It's a marshmallow jello kind of a day!

Now normally when I say marshmallow jello you think of the food. But I'm not talking about the food. I'm talking about the feelings. The marshmallow jello feelings that make your insides turn to goo. The feelings that wash over you and make you limp and weepy. In the past I've stuffed these feelings so far down and denied them so well that I had convinced myself that I was alright. I would wonder why especially around the holidays I would feel a sense of sadness and loss. A sense of emotional instability and an emotonal fatigue that just crippled me. For years I would force myself to put on a smile and just do it. But this year is different. I am letting myself feel the pain of losing family members to death, the loss of family members moving, the realization that family members who judge will never stop, the excrutiating pain of having to relive your childs brain tumor ordeal everytime you go to Childrens Mercy Hospital for an appointment, owning the fact that I have a special needs child, not having your family surround you this holiday season. This year I will let myself feel them. I've given myself permission to just lay here and feel. I don't know what I'll do next but I do know that you have to feel to deal and I've taken the first step.